'm. si.

I haven't been posting much. I've been a little too busy. not that i've got too much to do, but when i'm a certain amount of busy i get really selfish with my time. I find that i'm unwilling to play scrabble moves, unwilling to post, unwilling to call people back, and so on. It's kind of like the way people behave when there isn't enough food to eat. they get pissed off. desperate. with time, it's a little less desperate, since i have plenty left (knocking on wood for some reason) and food just seems more basic than time. after all, we don't really spend our lives under the shadow of impending doom, do we? wait, i think that should be a period, not a question mark. We just watched 'Stranger than Fiction' tonight. It was charming. Entertaining. got me a little choked up. I liked it. I was putting off watching it, because i wasn't in the mood for a story that ends. I like to watch serial shows because i have a comfort that they won't end any time soon, not without ample time to get to know everyone. Perhaps it's my unconscious avoidance of that shadow of knowledge of my eventual end that makes me want to see serial installments rather than a story end to end on work nights. Or perhaps it's my anxiety about watching movies i've never seen before. they always make me a little nervous - did i explain this ever? here's the short of it: i have a long history of horrible experiences at movie theaters. I don't think i consciously knew i didn't like going to a darkened theater to see a movie i didn't know until i was about 6 or 7 when i saw adventures in babysitting. maybe i was 8, it doesn't matter. I was terrified to see that movie. it turned out harmless, but my experience with other movies had built an expectation of a horrible twist or shock keeping me up at night.. ET, Cocoon, V, (alien trend?) Project X, return of the Jedi, and eventually Beetlejuice scared me.. and i didn't sleep much between the ages of 5 and 9. eventually i discovered inane tv could relax me and i'd pass out, but not until i was 9.. it sucked. so it continued all through my life, certain movies had stuff that just freaked me out. and reinforced the (less and less) irrational fear that the movie would betray me and i resorted increasingly to watching things i'd seen before over and over. I wonder if this is a common characteristic among anxious people... anyway.

whichever the reason is, i don't usually like to watch things on work nights.. or other nights.. but especially nights when i have to go to sleep. and the real point is, this movie, stranger than fiction, didn't mess me up.

now i'm going to go to sleep.